Dealing with Peer Pressure

Dealing with Peer Pressure
Part 9


Even though we can learn how to make wise decisions and choose to do the right thing, sometimes PEER PRESSURE gets in the way.  Our friends may suggest that we do things or go places that we may decide are not right.  It can be hard to tell a friend NO.  Sometimes children and teens even ask their parents to please "say I cannot go there" or "do a specific thing" because it is easier to have a person in authority back them up in their decision.  But, there are some tools that can be learned that can help children and teens as they deal with PEER PRESSURE.  

By practicing the technique offered in this tool, support can be gained in making dealing with friends who don't want to do the right thing.


Here is an example:

• Friend:  Hey, let's go back behind the church during prayer meeting.  I have a cigarette that I got from Mark and we can see what it is like to smoke.
• You:  No, that's against my parents rules and it is bad for our health.  If I went with you and we got caught, my parents would ground me for a long time!  They might even say that we cannot be friends any more.  And it would be bad for our lungs. 
• You:  Instead, why don't we see if Mr. Jones needs help operating the video equipment tonight during prayer meeting.  Maybe he will let us do the actual filming tonight.
• Friend:  I'd rather go behind the church and smoke.
• You:  I'm going into the church to talk to Mr. Jones.  If you change your mind, I will be there and will let you help me run the video camera.  I hope to see you there.

When a friend suggests doing something that you don't feel is right, these are the steps.


1)  Name the trouble.


No, I don't want to do that because it is (illegal, theft,  vandalism, against family rules, possession by a minor, assault, unkind to others, etc).  


By naming the trouble, you are expressing the bottom line or the nitty-gritty of the situation.  You are making it real.

2)  Name the Consequences

If we got caught we could (get a fine, be kicked of the soccer team, be arrested, have our driver's licenses taken away, etc.)


By naming the consequences you are using alerting your friend to the seriousness of the situation.  You are helping him/her see what could happen if you get caught.


3)  Present an Alternative

What could you do instead of the "trouble"?  Think of things that your friend(s) might like to do instead of what they are offering (go roller skating, visit Susan and play a game with her, ride our bikes to the top of the canyon road and back, take my video camera and film one another jumping dirt piles with our bikes, play kick ball, etc.).


4)  Act upon your decision and give your friend an "out" to make the right choice as well.


Tell them that you are choosing the alternative to the trouble they have named.  Allow them the freedom to make their own choices, but suggest alternatives and give them the opportunity to do the right thing.


Remember to:


Name the Trouble
Name the Consequences
Present an Alternative
Offer the Friend an Out

SPEND TIME with your parent(s) or with friends, practicing the "trouble-consequence-alternative" technique.  Take turns thinking of "trouble" and then think up "consequences" and "alternatives".  Practice so much that this process becomes easy and instant for you!  When it does, you will feel much more confident in responding when your friend(s) suggest trouble.  


Remember that sometimes it is wise for you to talk to your mom or dad about what happened.  They can help to reaffirm your choice(s) and may have suggestions for helping your friend make right choices too.  When illegal activities are chosen by your friend, your parent may feel it best to talk to your friends parents or to authorities.  

Lessons in Decision Making

Lessons in Decision Making
Part 1

Teaching children about decision making is a process that can be challenging, yet rewarding as we see them learn to make wise choices about the things in their lives that affect them.   You can introduce this subject by asking them a few questions that will open their minds for discussion.  They are:

1)  What decisions have you made today?  Can you tell what they were?

2)  Do you think that any of them were important decisions?  Why or why not?

3)  Were some of them easy choices?  Difficult ones?  What made them easy or hard?

By creating a list of possible decisions that your child might make, discussion is facilitated and they can help decide how a response can have effects that can make a difference.  Here are some examples:

Decision:  to by a yellow balloon or a purple one

Does the answer to this decision have a consequence that can last a short time?  or a lifetime?

Who is affected?  Me, others, or both?

Decision:  to wear a blue sweater or a green one

Does the answer to this decision have a consequence that can last a short time?  or a lifetime?

Who is affected?  Me, others, or both?

Decision:  to drive my bike (or car) recklessly or carefully

Does the answer to this decision have a consequence that can last a short time?  or a lifetime?

Who is affected?  Me, others, or both?

By responding to these questions, children can determine that some choices in the decision making process are more important than others.  Take this time to talk with your children about some of the specific decisions they have made recently.  Then, have them think of at least one specific example for each of the decision making processes below:

1)  a slow, thoughtful, deliberate decision

Example:  Sally took an hour looking at every Father's Day card in two stores before deciding which one was exactly right for her special Dad.

2)  a snap decision, made with almost no thought at all

Example:  Luke accidentally bumped into Mark on the playground during recess and knocked him down.  Instantly Mark was shouting angry insults at Luke.  Then he deliberately pushed Luke backwards so that he fell to the ground.

3)  a default decision made simply by remaining undecided until it is too late to act

Example:  Linda couldn't decide whether she wanted to get dressed up to go shopping with Mother or go with Julie's family to the park across town.  She was undecided for so long that Julie's family left without her and it was too late for her to get dressed up to go with Mother.  She had to stay home with her younger brother and a babysitter.

Discussion points:  Explore the differences between natural consequences and imposed penalties.  Sometimes parents protect very young children from dangerous natural consequences by threats of less severe imposed penalty simply because children can understand them better.  For example, a child might not understand the dire consequences of running into the path of an oncoming car, but they might understand and respect an imposed penalty like having a privilege taken away.  

God has children of all ages, and the Bible speaks to us all.  Sometimes God threatens us with punishment, but He wants us to grow up enough to understand the reasons behind His advice.  His rules are to protect us from dangerous natural consequences.  His advice makes good sense if we will just look for the evidence.  God wants us to obey because we agree with Him, not because we are afraid of Him.